bigger than

i've neglected this "new start." like i do. avoiding. i found out yesterday that i am starting to dialate and am 50% effaced, which is huge. in my world. mother nature is plugging right along. i could have this babe within the week or within three. my bets are on sepetember seventh. it rings out to me. but this head of mine is fully fogged. i smash into everything, drop everything, forget everything, blankly stare. nesting has grabbed ahold of me, leaving me obsessing over smudge prints on cabinets, organizing, cleaning and preparing. sleep is restless. i just can't turn off. knowing i have so little to go, however, makes it all the more worthwhile. the end is closer than ever and my pelvic bones surely know it. the question is: are we ready? i feel like i am more ready than his father. but i can't assume. things in that category bounce around and i'm always questioning whether or not i should keep pushing him to use his vocal chords. but i recoil into thoughts and bad moods and just assume he'll sort it out. assume it's just the hormones. it's the situation. the heavy weight of what's to come. but for me, this is lifting. this is the most amazing thing i've been through, although fucking uncomfortable and strange. but i guess this is the reason i am double x and he's just xy. incomplete. i am built for this. it's wired into my dna. breed, nurture, support, love, grow. my next update: the day my son was born.