being that a month has past.

in my ultralameness, i've neglected this once again. i feel sorry for any poor soul who followed this outlet of my silly life and keeps finding i let it grow cold and outdated. i am living lives in other places, obviously, but anyway... the boy has born! mr. silas leonard, born to me on september 10th, at 12:28 a.m. the whole experience was somewhat bittersweet. sweet in the sense i got what i came for, a healthy son weighing in at 8lbs and 11ounces, measuring 20 1/2 inches long... bitter because the entire thing didn't go as planned and i had to be sliced and diced in the end. monday we went in to start the inducement process. tuesday morning my doctor broke my water and i spent 14 hours in labor, ended up getting an infection in my uterus (because my doctor broke my water so prematurely) and when it came time to push, did so for about 2 hours with no advancement and lots and lots of breakthrough pain. i just remember i was screaming and moaning in pain and they "bumped" me several times, which is not supposed to happen when you get an epidural. well turns out silas' head was stuck in my pelvis, pinching off flow of the drug to certain underparts of me and causing all the nonsense. so they rushed me into surgery and extracted him ol' cesearean style. he had major bruising on his face from being stuck, the cord was wrapped around his neck and his foot was caught in my ribcage, bruising one of my ribs upon removal. eggghhhh, the guy was just not meant to be born naturally sorry to say. but regardless! he was born! and that's all that matters. it's now the third week i've been a real mother and i have to say that it's grown on me quite ferociously. the first week and a half was the strangest, scariest time of my life emotionally. postpardum blues kicked my ass, to put it mildly. and i was a blubbering mess with headaches and nausea and terrible thoughts. i didn't explode into the mommy thing right away which confused me and somehow i thought i'd escape the nasty afteremotions, but nope. now things are fine. silas is amazingly advancing for being born a week early and is long and gangly at 23 inches long already. we aren't sure if he's a redhead yet, but he seems to be a blue eyed fella. he's absolutely beautiful and i ain't saying that just because he's my child. i expected his newborn phase to be somewhat ugly and wrinkly, but he surprised us all and sure is a looker for a little 'fant.

my new life is shaping up nicely. i feel sort of strange knowing that it's one of those forever things, but also very comforted. i'm looking forward to watching silas grow and helping him along the way.

bigger than

i've neglected this "new start." like i do. avoiding. i found out yesterday that i am starting to dialate and am 50% effaced, which is huge. in my world. mother nature is plugging right along. i could have this babe within the week or within three. my bets are on sepetember seventh. it rings out to me. but this head of mine is fully fogged. i smash into everything, drop everything, forget everything, blankly stare. nesting has grabbed ahold of me, leaving me obsessing over smudge prints on cabinets, organizing, cleaning and preparing. sleep is restless. i just can't turn off. knowing i have so little to go, however, makes it all the more worthwhile. the end is closer than ever and my pelvic bones surely know it. the question is: are we ready? i feel like i am more ready than his father. but i can't assume. things in that category bounce around and i'm always questioning whether or not i should keep pushing him to use his vocal chords. but i recoil into thoughts and bad moods and just assume he'll sort it out. assume it's just the hormones. it's the situation. the heavy weight of what's to come. but for me, this is lifting. this is the most amazing thing i've been through, although fucking uncomfortable and strange. but i guess this is the reason i am double x and he's just xy. incomplete. i am built for this. it's wired into my dna. breed, nurture, support, love, grow. my next update: the day my son was born.

i must examine my breath.

this is my last month of incubating. anyday now i feel i will meet my son, have my body back, really become a mother and my life will never be the same. i dream about it everynite. i feel it all the time. it never leaves my mind, this new life i will lead. this is just the beginning.